How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse

I was just looking through my old folders today, and I came across a piece I wrote a while back to try for a writing position on my school club’s magazine. Unfortunately, they didn’t contact me after that, so I guess I wasn’t what they had in mind, haha! It was kindly inspired by all the zombie horror films I watched; I LOVE watching zombie flicks, and it doesn’t matter whether its the serious, heavy, gritty style like 28 Days Later (dragged my friend to watch it in secondary school, and he wasted his ticket money hiding under his shirt, lol); or the cheesy, campy, over-the-top style like Zombieland (which was pretty awesome, btw). So, I wrote an article entitled: How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse.

We all know the premise well. It starts out on a day just like any other: The sun is shining brightly and the weather looks fine. Husbands and wives wake up and prepare for another day of mundane work; children complain and trudge to school. Except for one tiny little problem: the whole world, except for YOUR little town/ neighbourhood/ family, have become zombies. And they’re here to devour you!

That’s right! The world has just suffered a Zombie Apocalypse. Not to be confused with other apocalypse-type films, which often feature meteors, tsunamis or other natural disasters, a zombie apocalypse is in a class of its own. Typically, the explanation for the whole world spontaneously “zombifying” is glossed over – just another irresponsible corporation dumping hazardous waste into the environment, or some top-secret biological weapon unleashed by mistake. That’s not really important. What’s important is, how do you survive the next hour/ day/ week/ forever?

Here are some handy tips, compiled from years of enduring horrifying, masochistic zombie films, to help you. (Disclaimer: Author claims no guarantee of survival)

Tip #1: Always make sure you have a bomb shelter, and that it’s stocked. Or if this isn’t possible, make sure you know where the nearest one is. In virtually every zombie apocalypse film, the rag-tag band of survivors fight tooth and nail to secure a safe zone, or a fort, if you will. This fort must be easily defendable from all sides, be able to shelter many people, and most importantly, be well stocked with food and ammunition. Ammunition, you say? What zombie apocalypse is complete without some zombie killing? And this leads us to our next tip.

Tip #2: Use anything, and I mean anything, to kill those zombies. Stuck in a library? The books can be set ablaze to create a zombie-purging inferno. Besieged in your school bus? Grab your stationery and shove them into the zombies’ faces. The point is, if you’re creative enough, anything can be turned into a weapon. Try to chalk up style points while you’re at it. Typically, this will boost your survival ratings, as the audience will be rooting for you. However, we all know that in every movie, somebody has to die. Sadly, the odds are already stacked against you if you’re not white, not good-looking, or tell lame jokes. If all else fails, follow tip #3.

Tip #3: Scream. Scream with all you’ve got. Sometimes even ugly, lame, side characters get lucky. If you’re so blessed, the zombies might be disoriented by your powerful vocals, or some amazingly agile hunter might hear your distress call and execute a hasty rescue. But sometimes, it’s your sorry fate to die. If you’re dealt the short straw, make sure you go down kicking and screaming. At least the audience will fondly remember you as “the one who put up a damn good fight” and be saddened at your demise.

So that concludes a very concise guide on how to survive a zombie apocalypse!
Good luck and happy hunting!

Haha of course, there are many many many other tips, but I was trying to be short and sweet. And just so you know, I wrote this before Zombieland came out!! So I didn’t steal the main character’s idea of the Rules, kay.

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